When I was eighteen years old, I was diagnosed with Agoraphobia because I would get so afraid of going places that I would have a panic attack that would send me into what is known as pseudo seizers. My therapist all thought I had a fear of leaving my home. Turned out that it is not a fear of leaving my home, but a fear of people. I would get the severe panic attacks because I was terrified of the people I would possibly meet.

I know self diagnosis is not the way to go, and I will try to make an appointment with a new counselor or therapist in the next few months now that winter is coming to a close and public transportation will once again be open to me.

You may be asking how, if I am truly anthropophobic can I ride on public transportation. The answer to that is easy. My phone, a good play list or audiobook, and headphones. As long as I have something besides the anonymous people around me to concentrate on, I seem to do okay. The fact that the bus drivers run the same routes daily has also helped. I make sure to schedule trips anywhere I need to go around the bus drivers I am most comfortable with. The ones that smile and appear nice. This doesn’t mean I say more then my destination, and wait for them to signal it is my stop, but it does help in the long run.

Some information on anthropophobia can be located at https://www.fearof.net/fear-of-people-phobia-anthropophobia/

I have no problems interacting online, via text, or even voice chat. My fear is face-to-face with another human being. This is even worse when I sort of have to interact with people that live in the same building as myself. This is another clue that it is not agoraphobia, but anthropophobia I suffer from. In my day to day life I live in a bunk house. In Alaska this is known as shared living. I have my own room, but I share the common bathrooms, and kitchen with everyone that lives on the property. My lease states I must go outside to smoke, and I follow the rules, even during the winter months. I am allowed to smoke in the garage on days it is colder then -20 Ferin height. The intense tightness in my chest, labored breathing, and feelings of dread I get from even the small act of going outside for a single cigarette, or to cook a quick meal in the kitchen isn’t what other people feel. It is fear plain and simple.

The question then becomes, why do I get this way at some points in my life, but not always? I have lived in a homeless shelter where I talked to everyone, and had no issues going outside for hours chatting with everyone around me. Yet here I sit in my room dreading the feelings of fear that over ride my senses when I want to go outside for a single smoke. Two and two are not adding up to four. Why do I get this sudden surge of fear when I am safe, have a roof over my head, food in my belly, and am supposed to feel secure, yet in the face of adversity, homelessness, and despair I felt like I could take on the world?

Those questions I feel must be answered by a true therapist. This is a reason I think that going back to therapy might be a good thing for me. I just hope they don’t think I am going to take there drugs that make even sane people feel insane!